can I buy spoons??

February is a fairly heavily-scheduled month for me.  there's wine-tasting, knitting group, two different stitching groups, an orchid show, bad movie night, and more.  I went into this month feeling pretty good about it.  some of these activities are new to me, some involve new people and places.  My natural tendency is to be a hermit, but I know I need to try harder to be social, thus the full dance card.  And I was doing great ... but then I had trouble sleeping Sunday night, getting maybe four hours of sleep.  Monday night I got about three hours of sleep.  Ditto for Tuesday night.   i was such a zombie on Tuesday that i skipped the knitting group, thinking a quick grocery run and an early night would set me straight.  no such luck.  

i was pretty down on Wednesday from having missed something i planned to do.  I mean, no one was expecting me, and I didn't let anyone down (but myself) by not showing up.  I guess the letdown hit me kind of hard.  It was a reminder that no matter how much I want to do things, get out, be social, be normal, I'm still someone with multiple chronic illnesses, and I don't always have the final say.  

I was confiding to my friend B at lunch today about being nervous with my busy weekend -- plans Friday night, Saturday morning, and most of Sunday! -- but she didn't quite get it.  i'm worried I won't have adequate recovery time, pushing myself too hard too fast too many days in a row.  No, I'm not running marathons or climbing Everest, but being alert and engaged and all that takes spoons, and I'm not in charge of how many i get, or they get spent on a particular day.  I'm meeting an entirely new group of people on Saturday, and that takes a lot of out of me, remembering names and manners and reigning in the snark.  

It makes me mad.  it makes me want to shake my fist and scream (whine?) "it's not fair!"  it makes me want to remember to cherish the days when i DO feel good, all the times i've  spent running from sun-up to sun-down without a care in the world.  it makes me remember that for as much as there is in my control, there is just that much more that is not.  

So how's that working out for you?

In a recent post, I mentioned "I sometimes know my limits, and the morning after a full day of traipsing around the southern half of the state only leaves me feeling a little over-extended.  but there are times I push it, and must face the consequences, or the roulette wheel lands on "sucks to be you" and a low-key afternoon stroll sends me to flare-city."  Guess which side of the coin came up after yesterday's adventure?  

ooof.  

It could be worse.  It could be so much worse.  But I still find myself getting angry that a day of walking around (in the cold or not) leaves me feeling so beat up.  "It's not faaaaiiiir!" i want to whine to anyone who will listen.  But what IS fair?  

I made myself get dressed and leave the house today.  I knew that it'd be far too easy to waste the day on the couch, napping and wallowing in self-pity despite how amazing yesterday was.  Besides, I had some things I needed (new wiper blades and a headlight bulb for the car, some groceries), some things I wanted (big 50% off sale at Jo-Ann! woo!), and some things I really should've done but just didn't happen (visit my stepbrother, sister-in-law, and nieces who are in town).  I thought about pushing myself to fit in the visit, but after the grocery store, I knew I was running out of spoons and needed to get myself home.  Yes, it sucks.  the non-perishables are still on the kitchen floor, waiting to be put away, and I haven't had the oompf to tackle the car stuff.  

Do I regret yesterday's outing?  Heck no!  I'm still gushing about it to anyone who will listen!  

Would I do things differently next time?  Yes, probably.  I could find more opportunities to sit down and rest my sore foot.  I could take some time to stretch and flex and bend so my back/hips/knees don't stay so stiff.  I could remember to take some ibuprofen at lunch and/or dinner.  I could also suggest we split up for a bit, so he can move at his own (faster) pace.     

So, I will try again another day.  This stepbrother and his family live a reasonable driving distance away, so paying them a visit at a later date is doable.  The groceries will get put away after I post this entry.  I'll tackle the car stuff tomorrow when the sun is out and it's a bit warmer and I can back the car out of the garage.  I'll take my meds, and get a good night's sleep tonight, and start fresh tomorrow.