Wordless Wednesday

Sing it, Bob!

Sorry, that's SIR Bob.  

I didn't need to check the forecast to know that it was a full moon.  If I didn't know better, I would've sworn I was PMSing.  (women on estrogen don't get PMS, do they?).  Monday + full moon + a million little things = this girl at the end of her rope.  maybe I can laugh about some of this later, but I am NOT laughing now.

~*~*~*~*

Pro tip:  electronics work a LOT more efficiently if you plug them in before trying to use them.  I'm pretty sure the toaster is still mocking me.  

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I am in love with Suave's Captivating Curls Cream Mousse.  i've been using the spray gel for a while but finally gave this a go.  OMG, this stuff is just amazing!! It comes out foamy like a mousse (minus the "holy crap will it ever stop expanding!"), but turns creamy when you work it between your hands, and it's doing incredible things for my curls.  You have to work it into soaking wet hair, and then blot dry with a non-fuzzy towel (just like the curly girls say to soak and plop!), and even without hitting it with the diffuser, I had the most amazing spirals.  my hair was also really tightly curled and shorter than normal - those curls had amazing spring to them.  and they were oh-so soft and silky.  normally i'd follow a product like this with a gel to kinda cement things in place, but it wasn't necessary at all.  it was ridiculously humid today, and my hair looked awesome.  

Bento Monday

Mmm, cheese curds! With turkey and ham and chicken rice soup.

new things

I hope it's a sign of growth, and willingness to learn and expand my horizons, that I'm finding and incorporating new things in my life.  

last month, I began the Curly Girl treatment of my hair but co-washing with the super-expensive conditioning wash my stepmom got me.  my hair rejoiced!  over the last week, I've done some more reading on the methods and products, and today, I did my first co-wash with a new (cheaper) product, followed by my first plopping with another new-to-me (reasonably priced!) product.  and you know what?  my hair looks freaking awesome today.  i've got some serious curls going on, lots of nice thick clumps, no pyramiding, and virtually no frizz.  this makes me so damn happy!  the plopping will take some practice to get right and to break my terry towel head-wrap habit, but if I can look this awesome every day?  I'm in!

Sometime this past week, and I'm not even sure how (probably via Pinterest), i discovered Unfuck Your Habitat.  Not knowing the difference between a blog and tumblr must be a sign of my advancing age.  I guess blogging is for old farts like me, and tumblr is for the cool kids?  whatevs.  I will say, I like this approach.  It's like FlyLady for real people.  i haven't actually done any of the challenges or anything, but the before-and-afters are quite inspiring.  in fact, i PAID FOR and downloaded the app.  my house needs some serious unfucking, and maybe getting to play on my ipod while i do it will help?  

Coffee

As a kid, one of things I always associated with being a grown-up was drinking coffee. My parents both drank coffee, so it made sense that when I grew up I’d drink coffee, too. except I never really liked it. when I was 21-22, I worked as a nanny, and the parents were heavy coffee drinkers – more than a pot a day, whereas my parents never finished a pot. I remember one of the parents telling me once, jokingly, that they didn’t trust people who weren’t coffee drinkers. Part of me was hurt by this statement (they’re paying me to care for their children – how can they NOT trust me?) and part of me didn’t understand why it was a big deal. I was (and still am) a Diet Coke girl. Why did my caffeine delivery device matter to them?

A year or two later, I finally gave coffee-drinking a go for real. I’d tried in the past, by adding increasingly larger amounts of coffee to my cocoa, but at the end of the day, I just wanted my Diet Coke. Artificial sweetener (which is sweeter than sugar) and lots of creamer (or nonfat dry milk powder at home) helped make it palatable, but I still didn’t feel like a “real” coffee drinker, so therefore I didn’t feel like a “real” adult. Yeah, I had issues.

About the time I turned 25, I got my first real full-time office job. The guy I worked for was too cheap to spring for a fridge or a microwave, but he bought a coffee pot, creamer and sweeteners, and my coffee-drinking habits were formed.

Fast forward 16 years. Starbucks has infiltrated the Midwest, along with Tim Horton, Panera, and Caribou Coffee. You can even get a pretty decent cuppa from your local gas station.

I’ll let you in on a secret: I hate Starbucks. It’s freaking expensive, and the menu intimidates me. I just want a freaking cup of coffee, and let me doctor it up myself. I’m not going to pay you $6 so you can intimidate me when I don’t know the lingo, and then load it full of crap I don’t need.


That said, I do love the coffee/chocolate combo (like making my hot cocoa with coffee instead of water), and a frozen milkshake-y mocha is a nice treat. It doesn’t even have to be frozen or milkshake-y, just cold and chocolate-y. Silk used to make a mocha soymilk, but I could almost never find it, and it’s expensive. One day it occurred to me that all I needed to do was add coffee to chocolate soymilk and boom! Instant mocha! So, armed with a half gallon of chocolate silk and a jar of instant coffee, my home-mocha-making was born.


Iced Soy Mocha:
Stir a heaping spoonful of instant coffee into about 2 tbsp water in your glass to dissolve. Add a cup or so of chocolate soymilk. Stir and serve over ice (if desired)

Yummy Iced Soy Mocha Treat:
Take the above and run it through the blender to make it milk shake-y. serve with an umbrella straw.

Cheater cappuccino:
Make a packet of instant hot cocoa using coffee rather than water. Add a creamer or two for extra richness.


Eventually I got tired of it, or would forget to get the chocolate soymilk, and it’s easier to just buy a case of Diet Coke (or the cheaper store-brand equivalent) and go on about my day. Then my friend Grace got a Keurig. And she raved about it. she made all sorts of concoctions for her morning caffeine hit, and would tempt me with it any time I was over. It didn’t take long for me to covet thy friend’s kitchen gadgets, but at $200 there was no way I’d be getting one. I casually mentioned to Grace that I’d like to get one, I didn’t think she’d find me one. Her mom had a spare, one of the smaller models, and was selling it for less than half the retail price. She still had the box and it had hardly been used, so of course I jumped on it.

Iced Mocha a la Keurig:
Brew a lg cup of strong coffee using the Keurig. Take a hot cocoa K-cup, open it (ignoring the warning on the foil lid), and stir into your cup of coffee. Pour over a large tumbler full of ice. Stir well and enjoy.

Even in the depths of winter, this is usually my morning caffeine hit. Once at work, I drink decaf, hot.

I suppose I can call myself a “real” adult because I am finally a “real” coffee drinker.

too much? not enough?

So far today, I've had:

7:00 AM:  800mg ibuprofen (usual morning dose)

10:30 AM:  2 Aleve

Noon: 1000mg acetaminophen

1:30 PM:  800mg ibuprofen

And I’m still in significant pain.

contemplating taking my evening dose of ibuprofen now, vs later (usually when i go to bed) simply because i'm still in pain.  

this is partly a flare, and mostly a strained muscle in my neck/upper back.  my ability to cope with this is pretty much non-existent, i'm dangerously close to crumbling into a pile of sobbing mess.  it's times like this that hate living alone/being single, that I wonder how I'll ever get through the work-week, never mind the winter.  It's times like this that I contemplate starting the process of applying for disability since i'll no doubt be denied the first time.  it's times like this that i feel lower than low, utterly worthless, and hate everything about my life.  

Wordless Wednesday

Turkey, ham and peaches again??

How long does it take to form a new habit?  some Googling tells me anywhere from 21 days to 66 days to maybe even longer.

Today is January 21st, so i'm just at the 21 day mark (-ish) for my new habits.  Some are clicking better than others.  and while i'm really getting into the groove of packing my lunch and cooking dinner, 21 days in seems kinda soon to already be in a lunch rut.  

there's no Monday Bento picture today, because today's bento was exactly the same as last week's bento, which was identical to the prior week's bento.  *sigh*

I'm not sure what it's going to take to shake that up.  I have pinned a bunch of bento lunches, but I haven't bothered to really dig into them.

I even treated myself to a new lunch container and snack container after coveting a friend's.  the lunch cube is HUGE.  I can pack a TON in it:

Lunch Cube to go by Sistema -- BPA free! 

That's about 1.5 cups of raw veggies and some dip on the left.  the flap closes over and snaps, but does not seal (sauce or liquid would leak out if tipped).  the right side is divided not quite equally, and i was able to cram in so much food:  two turkey/ham roll-ups, a cheese stick, a fruit cup, and a leftover biscuit.  It was more than i could eat during my lunch break.  i had the biscuit later that afternoon when I need to gnaw on something out of stress/boredom, but I sure wasn't hungry.  

Lunch Cube to Go by Sistema - it's HUGE!

I mean, just look at that thing.  It'll be great for salads.  I have to remind myself that I am  not required to cram my containers full.  I can leave space.  It's such a novel idea to me, the whole less-is-more thing.  Today I'd say I ate about half of what I'd normally shovel down, and I was fine.  I was hungry on the drive home, sure, but I had a loose plan for dinner, so it was no big deal.  

Tomorrow's lunch will be leftovers from tonight's dinner (chicken and veggies loosely stir-fried with rice noodles and an over-seasoned sauce that I don't think I could replicate).  when dishing up my dinner, I went for a small bowl vs a large plate.  ditto for packing up the leftovers.  I got two servings out for the fridge, and plenty of fresh veggies to bulk it up when I nuke it.  

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for the record, I am 19 out of 21 for the "don't spend money on food" thing.  go me!  *happydance*  As for the other two?  Well, um, I uh, am not doing so well.  more on that later.

Setbacks

How quickly I forget that my body is a harsh mistress, one who can change he mind with the wind.

And how quickly I forget that the quickest way to get sick or otherwise land myself on the couch in a flare is to buy a bunch of perishables.

~*~*~*~*~*

I'm thankful for a job that has paid sick time, and doesn't give me grief about actually using it. I'm thankful for my friends who checked on me yesterday when I didn't come into work. I'm thankful for Benadryl, the only thing I can really take for head gunk. And I'm thankful for sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~
Posting will be light til I kick this crud.

Bento #2

No photos of this week's Monday Bento.  You'll just have to use your imagination!

I'm using the Kitty Bento again.

Bottom layer is my protein:  a slice of ham and a slice of turkey rolled around a string cheese stick, and sliced.  the meat and cheese were different lengths, so there's some extra meat tucked in there.  I also added a mini babybel to that section.  

Middle layer is veggies galore!  baby carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and a couple snap peas.  put some veggie tip in the tiny little Tupperware midget (the one that holds about a tablespoon, about half the size of the Classic Sheer Midget) and wedged that down in there, too.  it's got that domed lid, and it all just barely fits.

Nothing tucked in the lid this time - i put the homemade soup in a small (1/4 cup) plastic container and i'll just toss that in my lunchbag.  No reason to keep using (and tossing) plastic baggies when i've got a variety of plasticware.   also in my lunchbag is the banana for my snack and the yogurt for my breakfast.  All in all, it should be a perfect lunch:  nice variety, not too much food.  

Lunchtime Couscous

Monday's Bento contained what i called "homemade chicken-veg-couscous soup" but turned out to be, um, not soup.

the bowl holds one cup.  the baggie contained 1 tsp chicken broth powder, 1 tsp dehydrated veggies, and 3 Tbsp couscous.  I dumped the mix into the bowl, filled it with hot water from the coffee bar, stirred it up and then put the middle container's lid on it for it to soften up.  When i went to eat it, the couscous had swelled up and there was only a couple teaspoons of liquid left.  

So, 3 Tbsp couscous is too much for soup, but it's perfect for a side dish!  it sat for five minutes or so, and was pretty much perfect.  it maybe needs a tiny bit more broth powder, but it wasn't so bland that i couldn't eat it -- it just wasn't overly salty/seasoned the way pre-packaged soups/ramen are.  

for soup, i think 1 to 1.5 Tbsp couscous would be plenty, or i'll need to double the liquid.  I think I'll give that a go for lunch tomorrow, along with a turkey/ham/swiss wrap.  

Month 1, Day 10

Ten days into the new year.  How are things going with my various challenges?

Pantry Clean-Out

Yesterday was The Great Pantry Clean-out of 2013.  I pulled everything off the shelves, wiped them down, and pitched everything that was expired or questionable.  I filled a garbage bag, and had an overflowing grocery bag of cans and jars to take out to the recycling bin after being dumped.  (is running canned/bottled food down the disposal and recycling the containers the best way to do things?  It made sense to me, anyway)

There was stuff that expired in the spring of 2010.  Most of the stuff was early 2012, plus a healthy dose of 2011.  I'm so embarrassed.  

I re-arranged how I had things.  I always had the large, bulky stuff (like the giant bag of frosted flakes) on the top shelf, and all sorts of small things on the bottom shelf that got lost.  I'm tall-ish, so reaching that top shelf isn't an issue, not like losing things down low.  I swapped a bunch of stuff, putting the bulky but not horribly heavy things on the bottom shelf, and the smaller, more easily lost, items on the top shelf.  The meal components are on the two middle shelves, like items grouped together.  

I made some notes on shelf measurements, and may look into getting another little wire shelf to help with space management.  

The good news is that I've got plenty to work with - pasta/noodles and some sauce, refried beans and enchilada sauce plus masa harina to make my own tortillas, some barley, corn meal and couscous, some mixes, and enough cream of chicken soup to drown a poultry farm.  Add that to the beef, chicken, pork and fish in my big freezer, and I should be able to put some meals together for most of the month.  

The bad news is that I'm out of fresh fruit (plenty of fruit cups for lunches), about to run out of fresh veggies, and will be out of soy milk by the weekend.  I could stretch the eggs for two weeks if I plan carefully, since I have 1.5 dozen.  I have plenty of sugar, but less than five pounds of flour, so any major baking will have to be planned carefully.  Two cans of green beans won't get me very far, either.  

When I said "no spending money on food" I was treating it as an all-or-nothing thing.  Pass/fail.  But seeing as how i'm giving myself a point per day that I don't spend money on food, a trip to the grocery for fresh fruit/veg would be allowed -- meaning I don't get to beat myself up for needing fresh fruits and vegetables in January.  Buying canned goods and meat is verboten.  Use it or lose it, remember?  

I'm going to use this great menu and grocery planner from Design*Sponge and see what sort of dent I can make on my newly-organized pantry. 

First Bento of 2013

For Christmas, my friend Grace got us adorable little bento lunch boxes - kitty for me (actually, the Lucky Cat - googling "kitty bento" will vomit Hello Kitty on your screen), the geisha for Beth, and the ninja for herself (which i'm not finding anywhere.  phooey).  she brought them to us packed with food, and we had our first bento lunch together.  there was lots of squee-ing and talk of future lunches.  

the three of us, along with some other ladies, used to always eat lunch together on Mondays, and play games, sequestered in a conference room.  Over time, people moved on, got busy, and our Monday lunch date was forgotten.  After the success of a few game days, and a few people seeing us playing No Thanks! in the cafeteria, we decided to resurrect Monday Lunch and Games.  We've also declared Monday our default bento lunch day.  

I'm excited about this for several reasons.  First, playing games at lunch is a nice mental break.  We play quick and fluffy stuff, not the hours-long brain-busters.  We might be able to fit in a game of Citadels if we play while we eat and there aren't too many of us, but mostly it's No Thanks.  A couple times we had to split into two groups, but that actually works better, as it's hard to socialize with everyone when there's 8 people in a room.  Second, I like having a private lunch.  away from people.  away from the traffic and the phones and out where everyone and their mother can pester me.  it was MUCH worse in my old position, but even on my new assignment i've got people tracking me down.  third, it encourages everyone to pack their lunch, or run out and get something to bring back.  I cannot afford to go out for lunch every day.  having a day when i know others will be packing their lunch, too, gives me something to look forward to.  

so in the midst of my Pantry Challenge, I'm trying to come up with bento lunches.  Here is my first attempt:

Bento! 

I call this one "Flowers in the Snow."  In the bottom container on the left, we have turkey, ham and swiss on a flour tortilla, cut with a 1" flower cookie cutter, and stacked on toothpicks cut in half.  The middle container, in front, has flower carrots (cut using the smallest flower cutter from that set) sprinkled on cauliflower "snow."  The cut-aways from the carrots are in the bottom.  The red thing is a mini-babybel cheese.  I got fancy and cut the wax with the cookie cutter too, then realized it might make the cheese soggy, so it's now wrapped in plastic.  The top bowl, on the right, contains a homemade chicken-veg-couscous soup (1 tsp chicken broth powder, 1 tsp dehydrated veg, 3 tbsp couscous) that i'll mix with hot water from the coffee bar when it's time to eat.  In back is a fruit cup (peaches).  I have chips and stuff at my desk at work for snacky stuff, and i have oatmeal for breakfast, and a yogurt with granola for a snack as well. 

I really think this bento is made for small children, as we've all commented that it really doesn't hold enough food for an adult.  I find that the soup helps fill me up, and eating a bit less at lunch isn't really a bad thing.   I've got a protein (lunchmeat and cheese), carb (tortilla and couscous), fruit (peaches) and veg (carrots and cauliflower).  It's not as colorful as it could be, but for working with what i have, it's not too shabby.  

I can't wait to see what the other two come up with!

Sjögren's and Infertility

One of the reasons I started this blog was to write about my life with Sjögren's Syndrome - the ups and downs and successes and failures and so on.  I hoped to draw in others with Sjögren's, and make a community of people (women) who are in the same boat, and maybe make coping with this a little easier.  

Like with everything else in my life, I don't know where to begin.  So I will start with where I am now:  41, almost 10 years since my diagnosis, single, childless, plus-sized, post-menopausal, and starting to get a little bitter.  ok, a lot bitter.

I struggle with balancing the "buy you look good" back-handed compliments with being a whiny, self-absorbed "i am my illness" emotional parasite.  I really struggle with the well-meaning friends/strangers who chirp "you can always adopt!" when the subject of babies comes up.   i get annoyed with the media and the self-absorbed people around me who look down there noses at me for having a belly, and a butt, crazy hair, no makeup, second-hand clothes, a homemade lunch and a 13 year old car.  i'm frustrated with the hoards of people who can't believe that a male friend and i are truly JUST FRIENDS and haven't shacked up and become one two-headed couple-creature (a la Brangelina) and started spawning.  

*breathe in*

*breathe out*

ahem.

ok.  so, maybe I have issues, or the whole freaking newsstand.  let's pick a path and travel that.  since I've already titled this posts "Sjögren's and Infertility" i guess that's as good a place as any.  

fact:  i can't have babies.  a hysterectomy 2.5 years ago took care of that once and for all.

semi-fact:  Sjögren's and pregnancy don't mix well.  

when i first was diagnosed, i was still young enough to think i'd be having kids.  i'd bargained with my gyn-oncologist (another story for another day) to let me keep my baby-making parts until at least 35.  surely in four years i could find a man, claim him as mine, and get knocked up at least once, right?  Wrong.

my early reading on Sjögren's was not very positive.  i don't remember the name of the book, but the gist was "pregnancy will kill  you, the baby, or both.  and you better start applying for permanent disability now, because no one gets approved the first time and by the time you do get approved, you'll be basically incapacitated.  sucks to be you!"  it was a very dark time for me.  after a few years, a few doctors, and a few different combos of drugs (both disease-specific and general pain/mood meds), things are a lot better.  

but i still can't have babies.  

fact: i worked as a nanny when i was 21-22.  

being a nanny was the hardest job i've ever had. I was young, and i was caring for three children, once of whom had special needs.  they were 4, 7 and 9, and they kept be busy.  just a couple months after the job started, the parents went to a town that happens to be in Canada (ANOTHER COUNTRY!) for a long (five-day) weekend.  i was the sole responsible adult for those five days.  i couldn't leave the house without dragging all three of them with me.  and on day 2, i got sick.  it sucked, we made do, but from that point on, my view of parenting had a MUCH more realistic edge to it.  any thought i'd ever given to just getting pregnant and figuring the rest out on my own was quickly tossed out the window.  my parents had been putting the grandbaby pressure on me pretty heavily, too.  at one point i (sarcastically) offered to just go out and get knocked up, and my dad, confused by my dry wit, told me "that's not what we meant".  well, then, butt out.  not much later, my (younger) brother and his (much younger) girlfriend announced they were expecting, and suddenly the pressure was off me.  Careful what you wish for, eh?  

so throughout my 20s, although i had opportunities to get pregnant (and even a chance to get married), i thought better of it, knowing that my bare-bones income would be a hindrance to any thoughts of child-rearing (daycare costs HOW much??), and i didn't need that stress.  and slowly, it dawned on me:  i wanted to get pregnant and have a baby, but i did NOT want to raise children.  

Then my mother got ovarian cancer and died.  then i had my first ovarian tumor removed (under threat of hysterectomy).  then i was diagnosed/bought my house/lost my job/got a new job.  then Harry & Terry, the Tumor Twins, popped up, and that brings me to now: 

41, almost 10 years since my diagnosis, single, childless, plus-sized, post-menopausal, and starting to get a little bitter.

Month 1, Day 3

Thank you, Laurie (aka Crazy Aunt Purl) for posting a much more simple and straightforward goal-tracking chart!!!  I was trying to use a standard calendar template ganked from Excel, and that just wasn't working for me.  And, in typical me fashion, I couldn't figure out a better format besides making a bigger calendar or writing smaller.

Off to bust out some serious decluttering, and try to unearth my smiley-face stickers to use on my new chart.  Then it's to the kitchen to put together Friday's meals.  

I need a drink

I used to think summer was the worst time to have Sjogren's, what with the heat and the sun and all, but today I'm pretty sure that winter - cold winter - is the worst.  

Despite running my dinky little humidifier nonstop for a couple weeks now, the cats still crackle with static just a bit when i pet them.  My skin is dry and ashy and starting to crack in places (my hands, mostly).  Tonight was the cincher, though: nosebleed.  gah!  

I drink what I think is plenty of fluids.  today was an average day, and I managed to down 80 ounces of water (four bottles of 20z each) and two cups of coffee (one half-caff, one decaf, about 16z each) at work, a cup of soymilk with my morning meds, and another two glasses of water since I've been home.   About 156 ounces by my calculations, which is more than a gallon of fluid ingested in about 14 hours.  Shouldn't that be enough?

No.  It's not.  It never seems to be enough.  I still feel like Cassandra in that Dr Who episode and the more water I drink, the more I feel like I'm going to float away, without actually feeling like I'm not thirsty anymore.  Sometimes I'll add Crystal Light to my water, but I find that there's something about the artificial sweeteners that make me crave sweets.  The lemonade/pink lemonade are much too dry/tart for me.  Surely I'm not the only weirdo, right?  Maybe homemade electrolyte drinks would be the answer?

I've been on Evoxac since pretty much the beginning, and it does help.  Skipping one of my two daily doses leaves me having to pry my lips off my teeth and my tongue from the roof of my mouth if I'm not constantly sipping something, so you would think I'd be better about remembering that 2nd dose.  I may try adding the recommended third daily dose, but I find it challenging to work in mid-day meds - how do I carry them, when to take them etc.  Evoxac also has the side effect of making me sweat more, and after six years I've finally adapted, so I'd rather not go through all that again.  

There doesn't seem to be an Evoxac equivalent for the eyes and nose.  Really and truly, can't I just pop my eyeballs out and soak them for a bit so they'll be nice and wet like a sponge??  And how do i keep my nose moist without snorting water and stirring my deep dark fear of drowning??   

Nor is there any good way to get anywhere by car right now without completely dehydrating myself like beef jerky.  it was a brisk 9 degrees this morning.  I bundled up best I could, but I had to crank the heat/defroster all the way to work, and being in a convection oven on high for 20 minutes is not my idea of a good time.  

I would love to know how other people cope with the dry dry air of winter, Sjogren's or not.